Oh Fashion, How I Wish We Got Along

COLLARS!  AND SLEEVES!
HIDDEN TUMMY AND HIPS!
(Internet Photo)

I spent my lunch hour today shopping. Shopping in vain. And now I am depressed. (As usual.) Whatever happened to "classic" styles? Good quality fabrics? Clothing meant to flatter; not meant to emphasize our problem areas? And when did women over 35 give up? We live in a world where our fashion choices are to either dress like 25 year olds or 65 year olds, and we look ridiculous either way. And who in their right mind wears 5" heels to work? I mean, I would love to. If all I had to do was get from the car to my chair in the morning and then back out again in the afternoon. But I have to walk. And bend. And pull and tug and lift and rearrange. And carry!

I am rarely in the mood to shop for clothing, but when I am I even more rarely find anything I would be caught dead wearing.

I believe that women of a certain age should pay attention to their necks, their arms, their muffin tops, their thighs. All too often other women's clothing choices make me think to myself, "Girl, nobody wants to see that!" Over time, my rule of thumb has become - if I don't want to see it in the mirror, I certainly don't want you to see it walking down the street.

So here is my shopping list:

I want a collar.
I am not scarf material.
I want sleeves.
I do not want sleeves that fit tight (think knit or polyester.)
I hate sleeveless shirts and blouses and dresses, and I hate cap    sleeves.
If I am going to wear a dress, or a skirt, it has to be a good length.

THIS WILL BE ME IN A FEW YEARS
(Internet Photo)

Hemlines at the knee make    me look matronly.
Hemlines at mid-thigh are    too short.
Hemlines at the ankle are    good in theory, but I have    yet to find one in a pattern    or material that works.
Women with thighs like    mine have no business    wearing leggings.
Women with thighs like    mine have no business    wearing pants tucked into    boots.
I hate knit.
I hate polyester.
I love turtlenecks.
I love linen, drawstring,    wide-leg pants.
I love black.
I am usually uncomfortable    wearing lots of color or
   prints.

Now, jewelry? I could shop and buy that stuff at any hour of any day. I love me some shiny, sparkly, dangly, obnoxiously big bling. But I can't leave home without clothes.  :o/

Casey Dog

When my children were young they begged and pleaded for me to let them have a dog.  The problem (for me) was that we lived in a city, in a crowded subdivision, and our backyard was not fenced in.  And I was a single mother on a very limited income.  So, although the boys really wanted something large like a Labrador Retriever, I eventually relented and bought (pardon me - adopted) a 6-week old Shih Tzu. The puppy was a surprise for the kids.  And of course I only got him for the kids.  (What kind of mother do you think I am?)  But on the way home *I* named him.  ;o)

The puppy's name was Casey, becoming better known as "Casey Dog," with other nicknames such as "Case" and "CD."

Casey Dog was a sweet little fella, but he was also stubborn.  Obstinate.  Temperamental.  He was going to have his way, it didn't matter that I out-weighed the little guy by... well, we won't say by how much.  He was a diva dog and we all pretty much catered to his every whim.  Mostly because he gave us no other option.

Kerry and Casey Dog at the ball field - May 19, 2000

The last several years were hard on old Case.  He developed cataracts in both eyes and was eventually blind.  Maybe he couldn't hear, either, but it was just as likely that he merely chose to ignore what we asked of him.  "Casey, let's go outside!  Come on, Case.  This way, CD."  (I'm pretty sure he only suffered from selective hearing, but maybe it was a mix of selective hearing with hard-of-hearing.)  But I began to notice how he was slow to get up.  Slow to move around.  His walking became sort of disjointed, as though painful, and I believe he suffered from arthritis.  The last few months he also slept 22 or more out of every 24 hours.

Lyndsi was his favorite person.  He loved us all, but she was the easiest to convince to do his bidding.  He knew she would let him sit in her lap.  He knew she would let him sleep in her warm bed.  He knew she would carry him to the grass and then carry him back to the couch.  He knew she would give him extra dog food and water.  Her fiance, Jeremy, became his second most favorite person.  But he was just as likely to bite Jeremy if Jeremy decided to try and make him scoot over.  He didn't want to scoot over, damn it.  Casey loved the rest of us, but we were subordinates next to Lyndsi and Jeremy.



It was hard on Case when Lyndsi left home for college.  The first two years he woke me 5 nights out of 7, sometime between 1:30 and 3:00, to take him outside.  He might need to pee.  Or poop.  But it was just as likely that he was in the mood for a walk around the back yard.  It was like having an infant in the house, catering to Casey's needs and whims in the middle of the night.


Over the last year Casey Dog began losing his teeth.  And he would throw up a lot.  Sometimes he would wake himself up from a sound sleep, throwing up a greenish-yellow bile from an empty stomach.  He suffered from some sort of confusion, too, possibly the onset of dementia.  He would get stuck in the corner of my bedroom or in the kitchen or in the backyard, not really knowing where he was or able to figure out how to get where he wanted to go.  We'd be watching TV and would notice Case sitting across the room, facing a corner.

It became evident that Casey's quality of life was not good.  He stopped wanting to sleep in the bed with me.  Then he stopped wanting to sleep in the room with me.  He didn't want to leave the couch and only did so to eat or to do his business outside.  He trembled a lot.  He sometimes whimpered for no apparent reason. And so, after many months of questioning if it was the right thing to do, if it was time, Steve and I took Casey Dog to be put down Saturday morning.

And I can't talk about it.  And I can't stop crying.

I miss the little stinker so much.  Our other dog, Truman, seems to miss him a lot, too.

Lowg wrote a eulogy for him Saturday afternoon.

A EULOGY FOR CASEY

by:  Logan T. Matthews

I grew up under the tender care of my mother; spending the first 18 years in almost as many homes. My belongings were in a constant state of delivery. My brother, Jordan, and sister, Lyndsi, and I would often joke that we should keep them boxed up, assuming the next move was just around the corner. It was a joke for all of us. We clearly didn’t mind the shuffle. I think most young people are somehow hindered “developmentally” by change, desiring some form of consistency in their lives. However, for us, the only thing that remained consistent was change. And, as I said, we clearly didn’t mind.

Change defined most of my adolescent years. I saw the change from what many would consider a nuclear family – or “nuke-uler” as it was in our family – to one under the direction of new stepfathers. I saw how a man ought to treat a woman, and how they shouldn’t. I also recognized the closeness that remained during it all. My family was very small; consisting only of my Mom, Jordan and Lyndsi. And then Casey.

His preferred spot was all up in Lyndsi's face.

By the ripe old age of 12, me, Jordan and Lyndsi (at age 10) had learned the art of persuasion. We knew how to get our way with Mom. She, of course, had established expectations for us and we were determined to meet them. However, when time permitted, we could get our way. Nowhere was this more evident than the times in which we would convince her to let us stay the night with our beloved cousins, Chelsea and Adriane. To be sure, Mom knew when to pick her battles. She knew that allowing us to bond with our cousins was for our benefit, and seeing as we always stayed with Uncle Wade and Aunt Karen, it meant we were out of her hair - for a couple of nights at the very least. She needed it from time to time and certainly had an interest in us getting “our way”. So, when it came time to get a dog, we knew all the tricks and just how to use them – and she aligned her interests as well.

She picked out Casey from a batch of other shih tzus (note: I had to look up how to spell that. To me, it has always been “shit-zu”). Casey was among the most active as a puppy. He grew to be one of the largest shih tzus I have or will ever see. I’m not quite sure where the name Casey came from, but it was a perfect fit, especially when you added “dog” to the end of it; making reference to the exact “thing” you were talking to. His name even rang to the tune of one of our favorite whistling measures. I can hear it vividly in my head and if you are reading this, you can probably hear it as well.

Casey Dog walking around in Lyndsi's bra.

Growing up with Casey was extremely eye opening. I learned the value of taking care of something; or maybe it was someone. I learned responsibility. Known among the family as the “absent minded professor”, I can recount what seems like thousands of times that I would forget my wallet and keys, oftentimes only realizing that I had left them when I had arrived at my destination – and needed them. Casey taught me to think, responsibly, about him and what he may need. In addition, everything I know about the dog reproductive system comes from Casey. Not that this knowledge is of particular importance in my life, but it certainly makes for a good story. Simply put, Casey loved that afghan comforter.

More so than what he taught me, though, was what he gave us, each of us. Casey was, for the better part of my childhood, consistency. He was there. He was excited to see me – when he could see. At Quail Ridge, a house often referred to by the name of the street on which it was located, Casey would run around the divider between the dining room and living room almost effortlessly. He would show off, and strut his stuff, proudly. Casey was exciting to be around and even into his later years, provided a great deal of fun for all of us.

Unfortunately, Casey didn’t have the power of words. He couldn’t utter strong phrases in perfectly orchestrated English. Coming to think of it, though, it never seemed to bother him all that much. But, he did have Lyndsi. Lyndsi knew just how Casey would talk, if he had a voice. Casey seemed to play along, almost as though it was the perfect depiction. “I remember when I could see”, Casey would say, Lyndsi would say in a masked deep raspy voice, like he had just finished a hard day of licking his nuts or turning his head at the sound of Truman running around him. Despite his inability to speak, Casey was a loud presence in each of our lives.

In the end, I think everyone could feel that Casey’s best days were behind him. He had “left it all out on the court” so to speak, and was meandering through the days as best he could. He certainly enjoyed the company, even though he acted out like an ill-tempered nursing home patient from time to time. He was set in his ways, as most of us are to some degree or other. He was waiting for today, unsure but with courage and resolve that he was the best damn dog he could be.

Because all dogs go to heaven, so they say, I know that he is looking down - that’s right, looking – and enjoying himself as all dogs of Casey’s caliber might. I know that Shine, Papa’s dog, is showing him around and maybe meeting up with some hot girl dogs up there. They will be best of friends before we get to see them again, and better for it. They have each other, and that’s as good as it gets. I can’t speak for Casey, as Lyndsi can, but if he were speaking down from heaven, I know he would say that we were the best thing that ever happened to him. Yeah, Casey Dog lived the greatest life he could. He was meaningful and taught each of us something we’ll never forget. Mom got her wish to teach us responsibility and we got ours. And, when his heart beat no more, I know his fingers whispered … the number three.

Rest in Peace, our beloved Casey Dog.

February 13th, 2000 to March 9th, 2013

Our Friend, Remembered

Steve and I received sad news Saturday...  We've been shaken and sad ever since.

Facebook, in my opinion, is a wonderful place.  I was reluctant to join way back when because I was already on MySpace and I didn’t think I wanted to learn a whole new way of doing things.  And why should I be on two social media sites that were relatively the same?  But this was when my children were in high school and it became apparent to me that Facebook was the new "it" site.  And if I wanted to keep tabs on my kids, to make sure they were behaving, Facebook was the place to be.

Of course Facebook has evolved into much more than a snooping tool for Moms.  I became “friends” with long, lost buddies from my school days and eventually connected with my third cousin, Jeff Clark.  We call him Nokomis because, well, because that is his middle name.  And it's a unique name.  How many people do you know named Nokomis? And it suits Jeff.  He is a mess!  A good-hearted mess.  He, Steve and I share similar senses of humor and over the last few years have formed a sort of unspoken tag team, picking on other friends.  In a good-natured way, of course.

I began noticing posts around Facebook from another friend of Jeff’s. Gregor Jackson.  He, too, shared our goofy, off-color sense of humor. Our conservative political views.  And I looked forward to the laughs Gregor provided in his posts.

Although we had never met Gregor personally, I sent him a friend request in 2010 and our friendship grew.

Steve and I learned that Gregor was married to a woman named Melanie, who was his life.  He had a son and two daughters from a previous marriage that he loved and adored.  Gregor was born and raised in England to his English father and Scottish mother and he took great pride in his Scottish heritage.  He served two tours in Vietnam and later worked as a police officer.  He enjoyed a good drink, laughter, and his dogs.  He and Melanie were great rescue dog activists.

A photo I had posted of Steve’s “Kerry” tattoo came to Gregor’s attention.  (http://kerry-mitchell.blogspot.com/2011/08/inked.html)  He loved to give Steve a hard time about it, telling him he should get a "Gregor" tattoo next. And so...

Steve and I had taken a long weekend trip to Gatlinburg, TN and while roaming around town stumbled upon a young woman who did henna tattoos.  Henna tattoos are temporary, lasting 6-8 weeks.  Steve thought of the idea of getting “Gregor” and I supported the idea whole heartedly.  I’m not sure which of us decided where the location should be, but that poor young woman!

Once back in town, I contacted Nokomis to be our partner in crime. He H-A-D to help us get Gregor to meet us for dinner the following Friday night for Mexican and music at one of our favorite haunts. And it all came together.  I laughed all week, telling a few of my co-workers what was going to happen.  My friend, Doris, who worked next door to me, and her husband Big Mo even joined us on the fun - having never met Nokomis OR Gregor.

It wasn’t long into the evening, after everyone arrived and we had our table, that Steve dropped trou (well, pulled his pants down to show off his hip a bit).  Gregor’s reaction was hysterical!  He was mortified but honored, stunned but full of laughter all at once.  He was temporarily at a loss for words.  Which we considered to be a HUGE success!

Big Mo, Nokomis, and Gregor at the unveiling - July 23, 2010

After a few drinks and the shock had worn off.

Gregor complained of a terrible headache on Facebook Friday night. Then Nokomis called Saturday afternoon to tell Steve and me that Gregor had passed away.  We were stunned.  We are stunned.  Gregor was 69 years old.

We miss him.  But we remember the laughter.  And we are thankful for the brief friendship that we shared.

Steve and Gregor

Kerry and Gregor - a hug between friends.

You Gotta Have A Plan, Man!

My son Logan is a H-U-G-E Auburn Tiger fan, so no other school was a consideration when it came time for him to leave home for college. He worked hard in high school to achieve the highest GPA he could so that he would qualify for scholarships to help with his tuition and expenses.  And he made it.

I rented a U-haul box truck on August 10, 2007, packed up the boys, and took them to college.  We stopped in Birmingham on the way to Auburn and dropped off his twin brother's things.  Jordan was going to share his cousin Chelsea's apartment with her his first year at UAB, her last, while he got the feel for things.  And after hoisting his bed and entertainment center and clothes and everything else he owned up two flights of spiraling stairs (not an easy feat AT ALL), everybody loaded back into the U-haul and we drove on to Auburn.

Logan loved Auburn and quickly adjusted to the responsibility and freedom of living out on his own as well as life with roommates.  He excelled.  His GPA has only dropped below 4.0 for one semester, and I think that was a 3.96.

One thing I told my children over and over while they were growing up was that it wasn't WHAT they knew, but WHO they knew that would advance them most in life.  But I also stressed the extreme importance of a college education.  I explained to them that the more they knew, the more opportunities they would have, the better jobs they would get, and the more money they would make for financial security.  The three of them learned the value of making goals.  The three of them have worked hard.  And the three of them have experienced the gratification of meeting their goals.

During the 2007 football season, Logan decided he wanted to be Auburn's mascot, Aubie.  So he tried out in March, 2008.  But he wasn't chosen as one of the three Friends of Aubie.  Not being selected his first try only made him want to achieve this goal more.  So he tried out again in March, 2009 and got it!  I don't think anyone in our family realized just how much Aubie is loved and adored by Auburn fans, even non-Auburn fans, or how much Logan being Aubie would affect all of our lives.  For the better!

In March, 2010 Logan tried out a third time for a second season to represent the school as a Friend of Aubie.  And, much to all of our delight, not only was he selected to serve a second year, but he was given the rank of Head Aubie.

I visited Logan's apartment one Saturday morning later that year before heading to the stadium for a game and I found the list pictured above posted to his bathroom wall.  It was located in a conspicuous location, beside the sink, so that he would see the list and review his goals every single morning of the year he served the school as Head Aubie.  The list states the following:

GOALS

• I will be the best Aubie Auburn has ever seen.
• I will help put together a National Championship quality video.
• I will have a positive attitude.
• I will help put together a National Championship skit.
• I will have 2 gameday ideas before Tuesday before a (football) game.
• I will brainstorm with positive critics.
• I will encourage and have a clear vision.
• I will maintain integrity with everything I do.
• I will stay humble.
• I will have a relationship with every individual member of the (Aubie) family.
• I will not get caught up with the little things.
• I will be organized and prepared.
• I will be on time and never forget an appearance.
• I will be respectful.
• I will win a National Championship.

He committed himself to these goals by signing them 

"Logan T. Matthews / Aubie."

Lowg graduated from Auburn with his bachelors degree in August, 2011 and will graduate from Auburn again in May, 2013 with his Master's degree.  He then plans to attend law school for the next three years.  

I would say my boy listened to me and my advice over the years!  It's going to be pure joy to sit back and watch where this kid goes and what he manages to accomplish during his lifetime.

And that top quality National Championship video he vowed to help make?  Well.  Here you go:

*Video also includes the other talented 2010-11 Friends of Aubie, Matthew Layton and Will Noel.

Divorce 101

(Internet Photo)

First, read this.  Digest it.  Do not take the decision to divorce your spouse lightly.

If you just see your single friends and think their lives are so much more exciting and carefree and you think they are happier than you are, know that the grass is NOT always greener.

Being a single parent can sometimes be extremely lonely.

Just being tired of the bullshit and responsibilities of life is NOT a reason to divorce.  Life as a single parent is harder and multiplies the bullshit and responsibilities of life.

If your marriage has any chance to survive, work hard to repair the damages and stick together.

Chances are you won't always want to be single.  If you should ever decide to re-marry, know that step-family life is complicated and it can sometimes be hard and full of stress.  (Nothing is worse than when your child hates, HATES, his step-father.  And vice versa.  And you are stuck in the middle.)

No one - even the most wonderful and loving step-parent - will ever love your children quite as much as you and their other biological parent.

Once you have children, you will be forever tied to your spouse - no matter what.

Having read and really considered all that, if you plan to proceed with divorce -

* * * * *

Below is a list of what divorce in the State of Alabama has taught me on the off chance it can help you.  And for my guy friends, I used "he" as the ex because that is how it pertains to me. Any and all of this information can be used by a man against his ex - the wife.

1. In most cases, men recover financially much faster and easier than women.
2. Any agreement between the two of you that is not reduced to writing cannot be proven or upheld later.  GET IT IN WRITING.  Have a friend or co-worker witness and sign the document stating that they watched both you and your ex sign the document.
3. Once you have made the decision to divorce, separate.  Take your time.  Don’t make any rash decisions.  Give yourself time to think everything through.  (What do you want your future life to be?  What is best for the children?)  Plan ahead!
4. Make a detailed listing of any and all expenses you will face once you are single.  Be sure to include all costs for the children.  (Daycare, after school care, back-to-school supplies, seasonal clothing…)  Be prepared – don’t go into this blind.
5. A big goal is to only agree to things that will give your ex minimal input or affect on your life once the divorce is final.
6. Know that the divorce settlement is important.  The younger the children are, the more likely you will have to take your ex back to court at some point in the future.  Get every benefit in writing now while you can.
7. Sit tight.  Force the ex to file for the divorce.  (Proof to the court that he is the one that wants to leave you and tear the family apart.)
8. Don’t allow your ex to pressure you to settle fast.  The longer things drag out, the more opportunity the ex will have to show his ass, the more ammunition you will be able to acquire to use against him.
9. Make a plan for how you want your outcome to be and stick with it.  Don’t be short-sighted.  (What if you never re-marry?  How long will it be before the children are independent and self-supportive?  How do you want to live between now and then?)  Ask for everything, knowing you won’t get everything.
10. Alimony in this day and age is rare, but don’t let that stop you from fighting for it.
11. Once you have made the decision to divorce, do NOT allow guilt over what your love for the ex once was, or what you wanted it to be, to dictate decisions that must be made in the divorce process.  Do NOT make a decision based upon, “I don’t want to do that to him” or, “I want to play fair.”
12. Keep this in mind – whoever gets the most emotional, loses.  And your ex is no longer your friend.
13. Once you have made the decision to divorce, adopt the mindset that you are at war with your ex.  No more Mr. Nice Guy!  Be a bitch and proud of it!  It will be up to you and you alone to protect yourself and to ensure that you come out with the best possible settlement that you can.
14. Get your own attorney.
15. Get your own attorney.
16. Get your own attorney.
17. The cost of getting your own attorney, hired to protect you and your interests, will be totally worth it once everything is signed, sealed, and a part of court record.
18. Talk to everyone you know that is divorced.  Ask who their attorney was and if they were happy with their representation.  Pay attention to what attorney gets the best vote of confidence.  Then go and retain him/her.
19. If you aren’t happy with your attorney’s services, swap attorneys!
20. You do not have to file for divorce in the county in which you live.  That means - if an attorney in a neighboring town has the best reputation among your friends and acquaintances, go with him/her!
21. Do not agree to use one attorney for both you and your ex to draw up a “fair and equal” agreement.  Your ex will argue that it is cheaper, but the attorney’s hands will be tied so that he/she cannot advise either you or your ex and the agreement will not protect you.
22. Once you have made the decision to divorce buy a notebook, keep it with you at all times, and start keeping a journal of all misdeeds by your ex.  There will probably be many.  You will need dates, times, and lists of any witnesses or copies of any evidence.  Err on the side of too much information and detail.  If the ex leaves hateful or harassing voice mail – make a copy of the recording!!!  If he leaves ugly notes or sends ugly text messages – print a copy!!!  But don’t tell him – surprise him when everything hits the fan in court (or in depositions.)
23. Lay off Facebook and Twitter and any other social media for the duration of your proceedings.  Something will always be posted by yourself or someone else that can and will be used against you.
24. Do not agree to joint legal custody of the children.  If you do, should the ex decide sometime not to give the children back after their regular visitation is over, you will be at the court’s mercy.  This means the police cannot force the ex to return the children to you, and they cannot force the ex to allow you to see your children.  You will have to wait until you can hire an attorney and get a court date and then wait for the judge to decide that the children should be returned to you or at least that the formerly agreed visitation schedule should resume as agreed upon in the divorce.  This can take months.
25. Do not agree on an every-other holiday schedule.  For instance, if your family traditionally gets together for Christmas Day lunch, make sure your divorce decree states that you get the children every Christmas Day.  Let the ex have the children every Christmas Eve.  You get the children every mother’s day and let the ex have the children every father’s day.  Each of you get the children every year on your birthday, etc.
26. Give your ex visitation rights for every-other weekend.  Stipulate that should he decide not to exercise his right, that you are under no obligation to swap weekends.
27. Try to avoid swapping designated weekends with your ex.  It will discourage him from springing a change in plans on you at the last minute.  (You have to plan around when he is supposed to have the children - limit his ability to screw with your plans.)
28. The State of Alabama has a formula to determine the amount your ex must pay in child support.  This is the minimal amount.  If he offers more than the formula amount, take it.  And get it in writing; notarized.  File that offer with the court.
29. Do not trust your ex to pay his child support as agreed.  Do not give your ex the power to pay if and when he chooses.  When the divorce settlement is filed, also have your attorney file a withholding order with DHR that allows them to garnish your ex’s pay from his employer from the very beginning.  It will take the responsibility and choice away from him - as far as what to pay and when - and it will ensure that you receive payment on a regularly scheduled basis.
30. Having DHR involved with collecting your child support will give you leverage against your ex in the future for any non-payment or arrearage.  It will also ensure that you have an accurate record of how much support you have received and when without you having to be responsible for keeping record yourself.
31. If you choose not to involve DHR, be sure to start keeping detailed records of all child support received at the very beginning.  Dates paid, amounts paid, amounts unpaid.
32. The age of majority in the State of Alabama is 19 but push to get child support until the children graduate from college, or until age 21.
33. Do not agree to future payout due to stock income.  Force your ex to sell and split the money at the time of settlement.  If he is blocked from cashing-in due to company policy, force your ex to provide a statement for record of the stock value at the time of settlement and make arrangements for immediate payment even if he has to take out a bank loan in order to do so.  Get the money while the getting’s good!
34. If your ex has retirement benefits, go after as much of it as your attorney is willing to go after.
35. Before your ex moves out and takes the computer, the filing cabinet, the financial records - study the household budget.  Get copies of your bank account statements and his payroll statements.
36. Research and know exactly how much debt you and your spouse have, as well as how much money may be stored in a savings account or some other type asset.
37. If your ex quits his job so that he “cannot afford” to pay child support, refuse to settle the divorce.  If he is the one that wants out, he is the one that will be ready, willing and anxious to move on with his “new” life.
38. Be aware that, if at any time after your divorce is final, your ex gets a pay raise or promotion or changes jobs for much higher pay - you can take him back to court to request an increase in child support.  (Of course that goes both ways - if his financial situation decreases, he can go back to court to ask for a decrease in support obligations.)
39. Keep tabs on your ex.  If he starts dating during the separation period, discreetly stake out the house.  Be sneaky and follow him around to see what he’s up to.  Get time/date stamped photos showing his vehicle in the girlfriend’s driveway.  Hire a private investigator if you can to get the proof you will need.  Or talk to your attorney to see what you can do that will be admissible in court.
40. Do NOT start dating until you have a final divorce decree from the judge.  No new relationship is worth what you could lose in your settlement.  Even if your ex doesn't care WHAT you do, don't be stupid enough to think he won't use another man against you to better his outcome in the divorce.
41. Do NOT give your ex any ammunition on you.  During the divorce process your life should be work, home, and kid-oriented places only (such as the ball park during their ball games.)  The divorce process won’t last forever and it is in your best interest in the long run!
42. Close all joint accounts yourself.  Do not trust your ex to do so, even if you are only the co-signer on a credit card or bank loan.
43. Understand that a divorce settlement is NOT accepted by any financial institution regarding who is responsible for payment.  If your name was on the account or loan or mortgage at any time, they will come after you for payment if your ex defaults.
44. If there are balances on joint credit cards, call the company and have the cards frozen so that you and your ex are only allowed to make payments toward paying it off.  This will keep your ex from being able to make any further charges that you will be held responsible for.
45. Keep records of the date/time/representative’s name you spoke with/account number and balance when you call to request freezing the account so that they are at fault if your ex is later allowed to run up charges.  Request something in writing from the account representative outlining your phone conversation.  (You may or not receive anything, but it doesn’t hurt to make the request.)
46. At the time of separation, if you are renting, call the landlord and see about signing a new lease, removing your ex (and his rights) to the property.
47. If you have a mortgage, the best case scenario is to sell the house and to split in half any equity there might be. (According to the circumstances, you may want to try getting all of it!  Won’t hurt to try…)  If you wish to keep the house, refinance the home in your name only if you can.  Or ask your attorney about making the ex include a deed in the divorce settlement giving you full right, title and interest in the property.
48. Stipulate that your ex be responsible for paying you over and above alimony and child support the amount of your mortgage or lease payment until the youngest child reaches the age of majority (or graduates from college, or age 21).
49. Change your utilities, cable and phone into your name only so that your ex cannot have your service turned off in the future.  (Having the service turned off at 5pm on Friday afternoon can make for a long weekend.)
50. If you have a car loan on the vehicle you receive in the settlement, refinance the loan into your name only.  Make sure your ex is taken off the title so that he can’t come back and take it away from you later.
51. Get a copy of your credit report from the credit bureau and check to see what is being reported.  Seek the assistance of the credit bureau clerks to help you clean up your file.
52. Do not agree to any “cohabitation with a member of the opposite sex” clauses regarding termination of alimony.  It gives your ex too much power over your life after he is no longer a part of it.
53. Do not agree to your ex being responsible for payment of day care, after school care, or other such expenses in exchange for payment of child support.  Make the ex pay you the full child support up front and then you be responsible for payment of any expenses related to your children.
54. Force your ex to provide health insurance, dental insurance, and life insurance for your children.
55. Force your ex to agree to purchase life insurance on himself with the children (and children only) listed as sole beneficiaries, to be split equally among them.
56. Demand that you be allowed to claim all the children on your state and federal tax returns until they reach the age of majority (or graduate from college.)
57. Force your ex to pay all attorney’s fees and court costs accrued during the divorce process.
58. Do not agree to pay your ex anything.
59. Keep in mind that all judges are former attorneys, and all attorneys are friends.  They may duke it out in court, but they’re buddies after-hours.  They socialize with one another on a regular basis.
60. No one will care about your situation as much as or more so than you do.  Be involved with your case every step of the way until the kids are grown and gone.  
61. Realize that, at the end of the day, your divorce is merely a means to a paycheck for your attorney.
62. The process can be long and arduous.  Stay strong and firm as long as you can.
63. Be realistic and know when it's time to make allowances.  You will not get everything you asked for.

Merriment and Such

Last year my son Logan decided that it would be fun for the cousins to dress up in tacky sweaters for dinner at Granny Carolyn's house on Christmas Eve. He, Jordan and Lyndsi bought cheap sweatshirts from Walmart and worked very hard on their designs.

Logan, Chelsea, Lyndsi, Adriane and Jordan - December 24, 2011

They made a sweatshirt for Holden, too!

Holden - December 24, 2011

Awkward family pose - December 24, 2011

Today is the last day at work until January 2, 2013. Not wanting Lowg's hard work to go to waste this year, and in the spirit of spreading good cheer, I wore his shirt.

Kerry - December 21, 2012

I hope everyone has a wonderful, fun-filled Christmas!  And may 2013 be your best year ever.

"Ho!  Ho!  Ho!"

Benefiting Others From My Mistakes...?

For possibly 25 years when asked what I would like to be when I grew up, I have stated that I would like to be a published author.  I would love to accomplish the task of writing a book and seeing my words and name in print!  My family has encouraged me all along but I have held back and made excuses.  I'm not sure I have enough to say that would fill a volume, or that I'm disciplined enough to finish one even if I started.

Last year Logan's Christmas gift to me was a book called, This Year You Write Your Novel by Walter Mosley along with a beautiful leather-bound journal for making my notes.  I've always read romance novels and after finishing each one declared, "I could write that!"  But lately another idea has taken shape...

In 2007, at 41 years old, I found myself divorced for the third time. My dad has been divorced twice (counting my mom) and my mom has been divorced three times (counting my dad.)  Both of my nieces and most of my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) have been divorced at least once, too.  All of us are relatively sane, normal, nice, fun, God-fearing people and not one of us started any of our previous marriages thinking a divorce was even a possibility.  Trying to beat Glynn Wolfe out of his record with the Guinness Book of World Records was the farthest thing from my mind!  (He was married 29 times, so I don't think my mere 4 is so bad after all.)

Tonight I stopped by Barnes & Noble on my way home from work to look for 2013 wall calendars.  While I was there my idea of writing a book sharing all of my knowledge regarding divorce and all that it entails crossed my mind again.  Not a "how to grieve and cope and get over it in a healthy way" book but a "how to find an attorney, protect yourself financially, be prepared to live without child support" book. I ended-up seeking out the divorce section and found that - in our local store, anyway - they only had about 1 shelf dedicated to divorce.  Not a book case.  One lowly shelf.  We're talking, 8-12 different books.  Maybe it isn't a big seller?  Maybe most people buy their divorce reads online from Amazon?  Or do people even study-up on how to go about it and what to expect if they do?  What if the Average Joe doesn't want some fancy-pants psychiatrist's notes on how to navigate and cope with a divorce, but wants a do this, and this, and this guideline?

I wonder - is there any desire or need for a tome designed to walk the common man through all the legalities?  A What to Expect When You're Divorcing-type guide for middle-class folk?  Because I have a lot of Do's and Don't's that I could share.  I wonder if I could get published?  And maybe make enough to pay off my low-balance credit card...?

Hmmm...

If you're tuning in, reading this blog, please.  Share with me.  If you are currently married but think about divorce, tell me what questions you might have.  If you are divorced and have THE most horror of horror stories, share with me.  I may or may not write my book.  And if I do write my book, I may or may not get published.

*Feel free to send direct email to KerryBlogspot@gmail.com if you don't want your questions, stories or comments to show up under this post.